November 6, 2009

Happy Friday. Here’s a minute and a half of ‘Heavy Metal Parking Lot.’

November 3, 2009
“Wait, don’t tell me. Don’t tell me! You’re… a cumulus cloud!”“Um, no.”“Okay, you’re… an exploded twinkie in a sandwich bag. No? Um, A pillow. A perforated ulcer? Abstract expressionism? Fuck, Sarah Palin?“No, man, I’m blow.”“Blow! Hey Travis, this guy’s blow. Like the white spray that comes out of a whale’s spout. That’s really clever, man. I like it.”“No, I’m blow. Like cocaine. Cocaine, that’s why I’m wearing these dark glasses and doing that to my nose. Because I’m cocaine.”“Oh. Well, at least you’re not in blackface.” (via Vice’s Halloween)

“Wait, don’t tell me. Don’t tell me! You’re… a cumulus cloud!”

“Um, no.”

“Okay, you’re… an exploded twinkie in a sandwich bag. No? Um, A pillow. A perforated ulcer? Abstract expressionism? Fuck, Sarah Palin?

“No, man, I’m blow.”

“Blow! Hey Travis, this guy’s blow. Like the white spray that comes out of a whale’s spout. That’s really clever, man. I like it.”

“No, I’m blow. Like cocaine. Cocaine, that’s why I’m wearing these dark glasses and doing that to my nose. Because I’m cocaine.”

“Oh. Well, at least you’re not in blackface.”

(via Vice’s Halloween)

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Is That Giovanni Ribisi? - Weirdo Begeirdo

I left my computer at a friend’s loft and it came back to me with a few dozen extra songs. This one’s only 56 seconds long and instrumental, but I think it really captures the spirit of its title.

November 2, 2009

Letter From the Editor

Dear Robert,

Thank you for your interest in the article “School bus driver ordered to stop playing old Cheech and Chong albums.” I found your comment about the benefits of hearing classical music in the morning to be particularly informative. I passed it along to my friend on the school board, but he seems to think Mozart will just make the kids more violent.

Anyway, the real reason I’m writing is to ask: would you like to be pen pals? You see, I’m going to have some free time on my hands in the coming months and I figure, hey, you made the first move here. I’m not sure if you heard, but our publication shut down last week and I’ve been out of a job. Our parent company’s been operating under Chapter 11 reorganization for a while, and attempts to sell our little paper proved fruitless. I guess we’re just another casualty of the modern era.

Do you have a family, Robert? I have two sons, but they live with their mom about an hour upstate. We’ve been divorced for six years. She thought I was spending too much time at work, but you know, I was bitten by the old journo bug. Speaking of bugs, I’ve planned a fishing trip with my oldest boy, Mark. We’re going to this spot in the mountains he loved when he was little. I’m not sure he remembers, but it’s a really beautiful and serene place. Hey, how about I send you a postcard so you can see for yourself?

My sister thinks I should start a blog, but I don’t know. I’ve come up with some other things to keep me busy. I’ve been cooking a lot. I’ve started jogging every morning, and most afternoons, and sometimes in the evening. And I’ve created this neat little chart for tracking the average time the mailman arrives at my house. I sure do wish I had somewhere to publish it. Ha ha.

But enough about me. What do you do, Robert? Do you work somewhere with an office? I hope you do; it’s so nice to have a place to go every day. So wonderful to have that sense of human connection. This one time, features editor Cheryl and I accidentally ordered the exact same thing for lunch three days in a row, condiments and everything. It was really funny at the time, but maybe you had to be there.

All right. I’m going to go put on some Brahms and watch my lemon tree grow now. I do look forward to our frequent and lasting correspondence.

Fondly,
Jim Stolz
Former Editor-in-Chief, Clover Valley Journal

November 1, 2009
Wipe that stupid grin off your face, Griffith Observatory. You do realize you’re wearing a dodgeball on your head? And still the shit-eater, huh? All right, I’m cutting you off now. The astronomers disapprove. (Costumier: Eric)

Wipe that stupid grin off your face, Griffith Observatory. You do realize you’re wearing a dodgeball on your head? And still the shit-eater, huh? All right, I’m cutting you off now. The astronomers disapprove.

(Costumier: Eric)

October 30, 2009
mrwrong: TODAY’S QUALITY CONTROL What’s he in for, some kind of weapon charge?

mrwrong:

TODAY’S QUALITY CONTROL

What’s he in for, some kind of weapon charge?

I came across this chart my family and I made over dinner several years ago. We’re such a functional little clan!

I came across this chart my family and I made over dinner several years ago. We’re such a functional little clan!

October 29, 2009
Dreft laundry detergent: #1 choice of pediatricians. Also, a word straight out of Virginia Woolf: “Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the detergent herself. For the clothes needed washing; they were strewn across the bench, looking drab and dreft atop the wicker. As she gathered the laundry she was overwhelmed by the immediacy of it all; this moment, the soiled bloomers, this dreft scent wafting from the kitchen. How dreftly strange it was, feeling this way, now wandering through the courtyard with her husband’s socks and a dreft heart; she waved at the gardener as he tended to his drefts, then suddenly threw the laundry into the air, freeing herself, allowing the clothes to float adreft in the winter sky.”

Dreft laundry detergent: #1 choice of pediatricians. Also, a word straight out of Virginia Woolf:

“Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the detergent herself. For the clothes needed washing; they were strewn across the bench, looking drab and dreft atop the wicker. As she gathered the laundry she was overwhelmed by the immediacy of it all; this moment, the soiled bloomers, this dreft scent wafting from the kitchen. How dreftly strange it was, feeling this way, now wandering through the courtyard with her husband’s socks and a dreft heart; she waved at the gardener as he tended to his drefts, then suddenly threw the laundry into the air, freeing herself, allowing the clothes to float adreft in the winter sky.”

October 28, 2009

‘Inside the Actor’s Studio’ with Abby Hebein, Maria in Roosevelt High’s production of ‘West Side Story’

1. What is your favorite word?
Recitative (it’s pronounced re-ci-ta-TEEV)

2. What is your least favorite word?
A-minus

3. What turns you on?
Soft skin, high voices, boys with long hair.

4. What turns you off?
Uber-masculinity, intolerance.

5. What sound do you love?
Sometimes I get jealous when I hear the other kids outside goofing around. But then I remember that practicing my stage combat during lunch is gonna pay off much more in the long run.

6. What sound do you hate?
Veronica Rodriguez’s soprano. It’s not as good as everyone thinks! She only got cast as Anita because she has big boobs and her legs are really long and toned and… (sighs) shiiiiiny.

7. What is your favorite curse word?
Cunt bucket (giggles uncontrollably)

8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
I really respect my teachers and all the hard work they do on a daily basis for practically nothing in return. Just kidding. I’m gonna be on Broadway!

9. What profession would you not like to do?
Dinner theater. Ugh, can you imagine?

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
Abby, I’ve allowed you to live out eternity in my presence because of your incredible talent and because you used it to do good in the world. Now go join the rest of my beautiful angels, who not judgmental and who are all either pretty girls or boys with high voices and long hair.

‘Inside the Actor’s Studio’ with Alan Steiner, Tigger at Disneyland

1. What is your favorite word?
Residuals.

2. What is your least favorite word?
I’m gonna have to go with ‘ridicarus.’ It’s pretty hard to top that in terms of things you never want to hear or say ever again.

3. What turns you on?
You know when a girl gets kinda nervous and she starts chewing on her hair but doesn’t even realize she’s doing it? I think that’s really cute.

4. What turns you off?
Daddy issues.

5. What sound do you love?
I love the sound of clamoring children. When they yank my tail and scream in my ear. It’s really joyful and inspiring. I’m being sarcastic. Hey James, can I take the head off?

6. What sound do you hate?
“Hey, you have a face for an ADR loop group.” Thank you, Princess Jasmine’s understudy. You’re really one to talk.

7. What is your favorite curse word?
Cocksucker. You know, I can sneak that into the show sometimes. I can slip it right into the Tigger dialogue if I stutter enough. Christ almighty. This is my life.

8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Oh, I don’t know. Doctor, physicist, fucking working actor.

9. What profession would you not like to do?
Well, when I was paying through my ass for improv classes at IO West I certainly did not, for one second, imagine myself stuffed inside polyester tiger suit. Now I’m not saying that playing Tigger is necessarily the job I would absolutely least like to have, but it is a far cry from three-ep arc on ‘Scrubs.’

(Pause)

I can tell you this much, though: I would not fucking like to be Goofy.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
(Lights a cigarette.) Yeah, James, you know I don’t really see that happening.